yttersta tanken

My feelings for you
are
s c a t t e r e d
and
.c
....o
.......n
...........f
.............u
...........s
.........e
......d
like…
marbles
scattered across the worn wooden floor
you learned to walk on;
the worn wooden floor that your papa put in
when you first moved into the house
and claimed it as your own.
how can I tell you what it's like
when I've never felt this way before?

I need:
A sun to my moon
[someone I can shine through…not someone who shines through me]
A smile to my tears
[someone to hold me and smile and take the clouds away]
Stitches for my heart
[I'm so broken.imsosorry.]
A high to my low
[So she can help me onto feet when I can't see the way up]
A Nala to my Simba
[Soft and feminine, a swan of melded pearls]

She was my emerald.
My jaded beauty.
She was pale skin and rosy cheeked,
acne scars and constant laughter.
She was bouncing curls of silky smooth chocolate
Forest-green eyes that danced with delight.

But she didn't love me.

She was the cherry to my soda
And the light of my day
She was the protector of my dreams
And the phantom voice that sang me to sleep.
Her cool breath
Strawberry stained fingertips
And venom-laced whispers…
I hold close to my heart
and under my pillow.

But she didn't love me.

does it matter, in the end?
my past is
painkillers popped like candy
blood that trickled down my thigh
and stained my wrists
and that goddamn blade
my past is
crying in the summer
and secrets locked up
guarded by harsh words and knives
and fire
that burst from my palms
when the rain
fell
hard.
my past
is as scattered
and lost
and broken
as these words are.


Be the fire to my forest?
You might be my exception
but I need time.
[I wish the fact that you love me
could just be enough
but somehow it's not.]

You deserve so much more than this mess of my heart.