Most of the time I feel normal.
Nothing to worry about, just a person like any other.
I can even see myself happy at times.
That is until I get the feeling of lonliness.
Later at nights when everyone else leaves.
I start to feel restless, staring in the wall or out the window.
I try to calm myself, but everything just picks up the pace.
Get up and start walking around at two meters square.
Bearthing gets nearly impossible.
I try to read, watch a movie or play.
Sometimes it works, I wish it was more often.
I try to open my mouth, speak with someone in the world.
But it needs to be the right person in the right time.
Or it will end with me, paralyzed with fear for the world.
Pushing myself up the corner of my room,
Afraid of what kind of monster I have inside my mind..
Mostly it's okay, until the moment I start to inflict physical damage.
I scratch and hit soft spot on my body, leaving bruises.
I can cut and rip apart skin, tear away what little layer of humanity I have left.
But pain is the only way for me to realise I am still alive.
I don't see another way out when I am so deep down the hole.
At last, if I don't feel to destory my own body.
I always have the thoughts deep inside.
What would happen if I just fall forward at high trafficed road?
What I jumped of this bridge?
What if I just died here and now?
Would it not be for the better?
I wish to understand myself,
But where do I begin?
And how would I ever be able to end it all?
I mean, I'm just a normal person,
With a dark secret..
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